Post by evil on Mar 25, 2006 9:09:38 GMT -5
Okay, this is all I got so far. I'll add more later. Here it is.A story about a really messed up village in Spain or somewhere around there.
Chapter 1-1
1998... I’ll never forget it. It was that time I killed a hooker in Reno. Oh, sorry, wrong story. It was that time that I got really hungry. I was next to my roommate. His head looked like a chicken wing. How did I swallow his head whole? Well let’s just say did some movies in college I’m not so proud of- Dammit, wrong story again. Oh, right, that’s it. Virus, zombies, raccoon, blah, blah, blah, dead hooker, big boom, San Francisco. Such weird things can happen when you’re in high school. Oh, come on, wrong story again. F**k it, it happened years ago, let’s just continue with our lives. Oh, yeah, that’s it- *Gets knocked out by audience member*
Leon Kennedy sat in the back seat of a crappy police car. He was being escorted by two stereotypical Spanish men. “So, Americano, tell me the truth, I know you’re not Brittney Spears like you tell us. Who are you?” Asked one of the drivers.
“Dammit.” Leon took out his hairpin. “I’m a government Agent, sent to find the president’s daughter. I used to take notes while watched porn. I‘m a virgin, but I tell everyone I slept with four women. Sometimes I think I‘m gay. I fell asleep when I was supposed to stop a bomb. I also fell asleep in a gay bar, woke up next to you. Come to think of it, I‘m not a virgin.”
“Wo-o-o-w. Lay off of the personal information. We don’t need to know you’re a government agent.” He pulled out a CD case. “Pick one out.” Leon grabbed the case.
“Oh, I love this one.” Said Leon. He passed up the “Zathura” Original soundtrack. He noticed where the passengers hand was, and decided to put the CD in himself. “I gotta piss!” Yelled the driver. He walked out, the car still moving. Leon quickly jumped up and hit the breaks.
“Nice ass” Said the passenger. Leon slowly backed up towards his seat. As the man reached out his arm to grab Leon’s crotch, he got out of there fast as he could. He then began walking towards a village. Sorry, not village, cabin. Anyway, he walked in. He noticed a man, cooking smores in his fireplace. Leon quickly rushed up and kicked the guy square in the ass. “BADDA BOOM, B***h!” Leon pulled out a photo of the president’s daughter as the man turned toward him. “Yo! You seen dis stereotypical blonde B***h!?”
“Yeah, she’s locked in a church. I’ll get a map.” As the man went to grab some thing, he picked a large axe. Leon noticed the man rushing towards him with an axe. ‘Hey, that’s a weird map. Must be foreign.” The man swung the axe at Leon. “Oh! Oh, you wanna play dat way! Huh? B***h! BRING IT ON!” Leon quickly shot him down. Leon looked out the window, and saw the car driving away. He then heard a voice say “I gotta piss.” And saw an explosion. And fairies.
Leon continued his journey, going down a path until he noticed a wolf in a bear trap. “Hey, this wolf shouldn't be in a bear trap, bears should be in bear traps.” He quickly helped the dog out, and put a bears paw in. He continued until he came to a gate. BEEP, BEEP. He got a call on his radio.
“Hello?” Said Leon.
“Hi, I’m Cross-eyed McGee. I’ll be your support this mission.”
“I expected you to be older. Are you legal?”
“Shut the F**k up and listen. Let me finish. I’m done.”
“Okay... I found a crazy guy and shot ‘um.”
“Okay, bye,”
Leon entered the gate, and was now in the village. He ran past them into building where he grabbed a shotgun. He was about to jump out the window, but noticed a man with a chainsaw. He hid in the tower. “What to do now...” Leon said to himself. Hmm... should I masturba- no.” He decided to face these bastards. He jumped down and had a killing spree but eventually ran out of bullets. Leon stood there. Many villagers standing in front of him. One with a giant lollypop.
Leon knew there was only one thing to do. He curled up in the futile position and screamed like a little girl. Eventually the church bell rang, and they all ran there. Leon found a bunch of ammo and headed out the next gate.
He made his way past the farm to another gate. Suddenly, three Ganado pushed down a bolder, which rolled towards Leon. Once he decided he didn’t have mind powers, he ran, and dodged it. A man threw dynamite at him from a small cabin. Leon looked down at it, and screamed. He eventually swallowed it, and it did no harm. He entered a large cabin, and heard banging.
He pushed aside a bookshelf revealing a room with a shaking closet. “Hello?” Said Leon. He opened the closet, revealing some Spanish dude. He took the duct tape off of the man’s mouth. “OW!”
“Hi! I’m Leon!”
“Okay... Leon, I have one very important question for you... do you do mushroom?” Leon grabbed a mushroom, and for a while, changed his health from fine to groovy. “Oh, NO!” Shouted the Spanish dude, “It’s big ugly bald guy!”
Leon tried to kick him, but the big bald ugly guy threw a blunt object at Leon’s nuts. This knocked him out.
Chapter 1-2
Leon lay unconscious, tied to that Spanish guy. “Futile human, let us give you... our power.” A man in a black cloak holding a needle with some kind of fluid inside was walking towards Leon. “Let’s see... um... where do I put this. Um... Humph. Ah! Got it! The neck, that adds the most dramatic effect..” He injected the fluid into Leon’s neck. “Oh, S**t, that wasn’t the... um.” He cleared his throat, walked out, and drove back to get the virus. Luckily, by the time he got back, Leon was still asleep, and mumbling about mutant babies. He injected the virus.
“Yeah, B***h. Soon, you will not be able to resist... our power. Or the Viagra.”
Leon woke up in an empty cabin, tied to Mr. Spanish dude. “Hey,” Said Leon, pulling on the rope. “Wake up... wake up ... wake up... WAKE THE F**k UP!”
“Holy S**t, what is it?”
“So, Spanish guy, what’s your name?”
“Me llamo Luis Herman.”
“Herman?”
“Yeah, well, it’s not as bad as my friend's name, Mike Hunt.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Say it out loud.”
“Mike Hunt... Oh, it sounds like ‘My C**t.’ I get it.”
“Blah.”
“Blah, blah, blah?”
“Blah, blah.”
“Blah blah, yadda, yadda.”
“Blah... yadda, yadda, blah.”
“Blah”
“That was the one with the viral outbreak, right?”
“Yeperdoodles.”
“I think I saw a sample of the virus in a lab back in the kitchen.” Suddenly, in walked a Ganado, covered in blood. Oh, and he was holding a huge axe. No, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter. Anyway he drew closer to them.
“On the count of three... one... two... ninety seven... eighty four... eleven... six... four...” The man began to ready his axe. “Leon!” Yelled Luis.
“Just wait! One hundred and four... three!” They moved apart, dodging the axe, and cutting the rope. The man drew closer to Leon. Leon quickly pointed to the window. “Look! A woman with large breasts!”
“Nice try, but I’m gay.”
“Oh, look! A man with a huge... go to him!” The man ran way. Leon heard the door open, and the sound of the Ganado getting his ass kicked. He turned to Luis. “Run away.”
“Okay.” Luis ran away. Leon walked down a short hallway, and outside the window saw a man. “Buy my guns, dude.” He said. Leon exited the cabin and walked towards the man. “You say things besides ‘what are you buying? What are you selling? and Come back any time?”
“Yeah, but just that, and this sentence explaining it.”
“Your joking, right?”
“What are you buying?”
“Oh, well, I’ll take the TMP.”
Chapter 1-1
1998... I’ll never forget it. It was that time I killed a hooker in Reno. Oh, sorry, wrong story. It was that time that I got really hungry. I was next to my roommate. His head looked like a chicken wing. How did I swallow his head whole? Well let’s just say did some movies in college I’m not so proud of- Dammit, wrong story again. Oh, right, that’s it. Virus, zombies, raccoon, blah, blah, blah, dead hooker, big boom, San Francisco. Such weird things can happen when you’re in high school. Oh, come on, wrong story again. F**k it, it happened years ago, let’s just continue with our lives. Oh, yeah, that’s it- *Gets knocked out by audience member*
Leon Kennedy sat in the back seat of a crappy police car. He was being escorted by two stereotypical Spanish men. “So, Americano, tell me the truth, I know you’re not Brittney Spears like you tell us. Who are you?” Asked one of the drivers.
“Dammit.” Leon took out his hairpin. “I’m a government Agent, sent to find the president’s daughter. I used to take notes while watched porn. I‘m a virgin, but I tell everyone I slept with four women. Sometimes I think I‘m gay. I fell asleep when I was supposed to stop a bomb. I also fell asleep in a gay bar, woke up next to you. Come to think of it, I‘m not a virgin.”
“Wo-o-o-w. Lay off of the personal information. We don’t need to know you’re a government agent.” He pulled out a CD case. “Pick one out.” Leon grabbed the case.
“Oh, I love this one.” Said Leon. He passed up the “Zathura” Original soundtrack. He noticed where the passengers hand was, and decided to put the CD in himself. “I gotta piss!” Yelled the driver. He walked out, the car still moving. Leon quickly jumped up and hit the breaks.
“Nice ass” Said the passenger. Leon slowly backed up towards his seat. As the man reached out his arm to grab Leon’s crotch, he got out of there fast as he could. He then began walking towards a village. Sorry, not village, cabin. Anyway, he walked in. He noticed a man, cooking smores in his fireplace. Leon quickly rushed up and kicked the guy square in the ass. “BADDA BOOM, B***h!” Leon pulled out a photo of the president’s daughter as the man turned toward him. “Yo! You seen dis stereotypical blonde B***h!?”
“Yeah, she’s locked in a church. I’ll get a map.” As the man went to grab some thing, he picked a large axe. Leon noticed the man rushing towards him with an axe. ‘Hey, that’s a weird map. Must be foreign.” The man swung the axe at Leon. “Oh! Oh, you wanna play dat way! Huh? B***h! BRING IT ON!” Leon quickly shot him down. Leon looked out the window, and saw the car driving away. He then heard a voice say “I gotta piss.” And saw an explosion. And fairies.
Leon continued his journey, going down a path until he noticed a wolf in a bear trap. “Hey, this wolf shouldn't be in a bear trap, bears should be in bear traps.” He quickly helped the dog out, and put a bears paw in. He continued until he came to a gate. BEEP, BEEP. He got a call on his radio.
“Hello?” Said Leon.
“Hi, I’m Cross-eyed McGee. I’ll be your support this mission.”
“I expected you to be older. Are you legal?”
“Shut the F**k up and listen. Let me finish. I’m done.”
“Okay... I found a crazy guy and shot ‘um.”
“Okay, bye,”
Leon entered the gate, and was now in the village. He ran past them into building where he grabbed a shotgun. He was about to jump out the window, but noticed a man with a chainsaw. He hid in the tower. “What to do now...” Leon said to himself. Hmm... should I masturba- no.” He decided to face these bastards. He jumped down and had a killing spree but eventually ran out of bullets. Leon stood there. Many villagers standing in front of him. One with a giant lollypop.
Leon knew there was only one thing to do. He curled up in the futile position and screamed like a little girl. Eventually the church bell rang, and they all ran there. Leon found a bunch of ammo and headed out the next gate.
He made his way past the farm to another gate. Suddenly, three Ganado pushed down a bolder, which rolled towards Leon. Once he decided he didn’t have mind powers, he ran, and dodged it. A man threw dynamite at him from a small cabin. Leon looked down at it, and screamed. He eventually swallowed it, and it did no harm. He entered a large cabin, and heard banging.
He pushed aside a bookshelf revealing a room with a shaking closet. “Hello?” Said Leon. He opened the closet, revealing some Spanish dude. He took the duct tape off of the man’s mouth. “OW!”
“Hi! I’m Leon!”
“Okay... Leon, I have one very important question for you... do you do mushroom?” Leon grabbed a mushroom, and for a while, changed his health from fine to groovy. “Oh, NO!” Shouted the Spanish dude, “It’s big ugly bald guy!”
Leon tried to kick him, but the big bald ugly guy threw a blunt object at Leon’s nuts. This knocked him out.
Chapter 1-2
Leon lay unconscious, tied to that Spanish guy. “Futile human, let us give you... our power.” A man in a black cloak holding a needle with some kind of fluid inside was walking towards Leon. “Let’s see... um... where do I put this. Um... Humph. Ah! Got it! The neck, that adds the most dramatic effect..” He injected the fluid into Leon’s neck. “Oh, S**t, that wasn’t the... um.” He cleared his throat, walked out, and drove back to get the virus. Luckily, by the time he got back, Leon was still asleep, and mumbling about mutant babies. He injected the virus.
“Yeah, B***h. Soon, you will not be able to resist... our power. Or the Viagra.”
Leon woke up in an empty cabin, tied to Mr. Spanish dude. “Hey,” Said Leon, pulling on the rope. “Wake up... wake up ... wake up... WAKE THE F**k UP!”
“Holy S**t, what is it?”
“So, Spanish guy, what’s your name?”
“Me llamo Luis Herman.”
“Herman?”
“Yeah, well, it’s not as bad as my friend's name, Mike Hunt.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Say it out loud.”
“Mike Hunt... Oh, it sounds like ‘My C**t.’ I get it.”
“Blah.”
“Blah, blah, blah?”
“Blah, blah.”
“Blah blah, yadda, yadda.”
“Blah... yadda, yadda, blah.”
“Blah”
“That was the one with the viral outbreak, right?”
“Yeperdoodles.”
“I think I saw a sample of the virus in a lab back in the kitchen.” Suddenly, in walked a Ganado, covered in blood. Oh, and he was holding a huge axe. No, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter. Anyway he drew closer to them.
“On the count of three... one... two... ninety seven... eighty four... eleven... six... four...” The man began to ready his axe. “Leon!” Yelled Luis.
“Just wait! One hundred and four... three!” They moved apart, dodging the axe, and cutting the rope. The man drew closer to Leon. Leon quickly pointed to the window. “Look! A woman with large breasts!”
“Nice try, but I’m gay.”
“Oh, look! A man with a huge... go to him!” The man ran way. Leon heard the door open, and the sound of the Ganado getting his ass kicked. He turned to Luis. “Run away.”
“Okay.” Luis ran away. Leon walked down a short hallway, and outside the window saw a man. “Buy my guns, dude.” He said. Leon exited the cabin and walked towards the man. “You say things besides ‘what are you buying? What are you selling? and Come back any time?”
“Yeah, but just that, and this sentence explaining it.”
“Your joking, right?”
“What are you buying?”
“Oh, well, I’ll take the TMP.”