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Post by S.T.A.R.S. 2 on Jun 4, 2009 20:39:47 GMT -5
Mid-Western America. Barren Desert 1862...
The distant sound of a Jet flew overhead a few miles away from the two mens spot. They both looked up as the Jets smoke was all that was left and they went back to observing their work space.
Their names were Ozwell E. Spencer and Edward Ashford.
They had plans to make a City on this spot. This very spot. Not far out a few miles away was a Forest called the Arklay Mountains. Thick trees that could be seen for miles from a Helicopter view. The Forest was so thick you could only see the ground from the inside ON the ground.
"So how are the plans coming for the City so far Edward"? Asked Spencer looking up at him. He looked back at him and shook his head. "This one could take a while. Maybe a few years".
Spencer nodded looking back at the Desert that was soon to become a busy City called Raccoon City. "I already anticipated this. Our future for the world will take some time. Umbrella will be the dominant human Company on Earth".
He laughed and Edward chuckled a bit with him.
"First though we need Raccoon City built to keep Umbrellas main secrets covered. Who knows what the President would do to us if he found out about this". Spencer snorted chuckling.
"Like it matters. In a few years time the begining of the end of the old world will happen and not long after the new world will take fold".
Edward nodded looking back at the contstruction plans for Raccoon.
Another Jet flew overhead. They were being "Borrowed" by Spencer and Ashford for security purposes.
"Not long now". He whispered laughing again.
End chapter 1.
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Post by Spartan198 on Jun 4, 2009 20:49:28 GMT -5
Um...jet planes (or airplanes in general) didn't exist in 1862. And I seriously doubt Ozwell Spencer could live to be over 150 years old... unless there's some kind of typo in there somewhere.
But other than those two little details, nice work so far.
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Post by S.T.A.R.S. 2 on Jun 4, 2009 21:28:50 GMT -5
Well he's a real old man in RE5 so it's somewhere there. As for the Jets just think of like old version ones.
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Post by S.T.A.R.S. 2 on Jun 5, 2009 6:23:20 GMT -5
Discontinued.
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Ashe
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Post by Ashe on Jun 5, 2009 8:16:11 GMT -5
First please quit double posting, especially when you are only posting one word. You can edit your previous post easily.
Second, your story is very well written, but as Spartan said there were a few discrepancies that you could easily fix. You give up way too easily. You should learn to take the criticism you receive to better yourself. There are not too many authors who could write a story and it be perfect on the first draft. Many times a story is written and re-written many times before it is publishable. Your basic idea is a good one, and is unique in that it hasn't really been done yet.
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Post by S.T.A.R.S. 2 on Jun 5, 2009 8:33:33 GMT -5
Wow don't you know everything. 
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Ashe
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Post by Ashe on Jun 5, 2009 9:01:24 GMT -5
Wow don't you know everything. Wow aren't you rude. I was trying to help you and what is the thanks I get? I get your snotty response. The way I see it if you can't take a little criticism on your work then you shouldn't post it. In fact I'm pretty fed up with all people like that in general. They are all good and nice as long as you praise them and tell them how great they are. But the minute you offer a bit of criticism that is valid and justified they can't handle it. You know the saying "If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen." You will never get any better at anything you do if you don't learn that little lesson. |
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Post by S.T.A.R.S. 2 on Jun 5, 2009 9:05:46 GMT -5
Sorry. I'm not used criticism just yet. Don't get too many on my other stories so I'm not just yet.
I don't know if I did well on the first chapter. I think I rushed through it too quickly.
BTW: Could you have helped me in making that Forum? You weren't an official member of mine yet.
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Ashe
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Post by Ashe on Jun 5, 2009 9:17:15 GMT -5
As I said, it is well written. It just had a few "technical difficulties" that can easily be fixed. I know that no one likes to hear bad things about what they do, but you have to look at it as a learning experience when you receive criticism. Even if someone is being mean spirited and nasty about it. Turn it around on them and take the criticism to learn and make yourself better.
I'd have to be made an admin to access the admin controls, but yea I can help.
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Post by S.T.A.R.S. 2 on Jun 5, 2009 9:19:22 GMT -5
That's true. I'll work on it and see what I can do to better it.
It's clicked off so could you do me a favor and post it's link here?
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Post by tvirusandfriends on Jun 9, 2009 1:26:54 GMT -5
I'd say its very good. And don't worry about criticism you'll get here, It'll be constructive and meant to help you on your way in your story. So long as no one insults your work, or give criticism in a cruel way, you're fine. And if they do just ignore them. For instance I have a Deviantart account were I post my art. People have commented and called it sh** and even gone so far as to ask me why I bothered posting it. But I just ignore them, cause I know they're a bunch of pricks. I'd like to read more on your story, it does sound very interesting.  |
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Post by S.T.A.R.S. 2 on Jun 9, 2009 3:44:40 GMT -5
I'll probably get started on CH2 then.
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Post by tvirusandfriends on Jun 10, 2009 1:56:47 GMT -5
Yay!  |
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Post by Spartan198 on Jun 10, 2009 2:31:32 GMT -5
Well he's a real old man in RE5 so it's somewhere there. He was born in 1917, according to the RE Wiki (which also gives the founding year of Raccoon City as 1968, BTW). [/color][/quote] The first powered airplane wasn't built until 1903, and the first operational jet airplane didn't come into conception until the 1940s. I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm just trying to help you out. |
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Ashe
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Post by Ashe on Jun 10, 2009 6:40:53 GMT -5
Spartan is correct. If you are going to be writing about the origins of RE then you will have to cut back on the technology. I know it's hard when you have a story that wants to be told a certain way, but it just can't be because of inconsistencies.
The only way that the date of 1862 would work is if you made it about Ozwell's father, and that may not work because I've never heard anything about his father being involved in the plot on any level. I don't remember one single mention of his father in any game, movie, or book. You would be altering the core facts of the story, and it may not be received well, as many do not like liberties taken with their Resident Evil.
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